So I'm posting this three years after my last post. Luckily I was still logged in on my computer, or else I never would have been able to find the blog! But I was inspired to say something and I didn't want to write it on my tumblr. The subject is about compassion, friendship, and plans.
If you have plans with someone on, say, a Sunday afternoon, and you wake up feeling so terrible that the thought of getting out of bed makes your head spin and your stomach nauseous, do not feel guilty about canceling those plans. We are so caught up in this Western culture of being busy and having commitments that we forget about the importance of our own health and happiness. I have had a few instances like the following:
Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: Wow, you're really not very reliable. You should have cancelled earlier if you knew you'd be sick.
The above example is completely real, by the way; it happened over Facebook message a year ago, and this is almost a word-for-word recreation of the interaction. In this instance, the person in question (who is no longer a friend because he pulled this kind of thing multiple times) saw my impaired health solely as an unacceptable inconvenience for him, rather than a legitimate reason for me being unable to keep our plans. These sorts of responses are used to control others, to manipulate us into thinking that we have done something "wrong" by being unable to comply with someone else's personal (selfish) wishes. An appropriate, compassionate response would have looked more like this:
Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: No problem, I hope you feel better! Let me know when you're free and healthy :).
If he had responded anything close to this way--if his general life attitude was more like this--we might have stayed friends. But instead he chose to blame me for being sick, to try to convince me I had somehow wronged him. (Patriarchal male privilege, anyone?)
I had a similar experience with this today, too. I had plans to go to an event today (also a Sunday, oddly enough) with my best friend. I had spent both Friday and all of Saturday with her at related events, and this was to be the last one (and least appealing to me, to be honest). Yesterday I was feeling unwell for much of the day, which she was quite aware of. Today I woke up feeling much worse, with a pounding headache and unprecedented physical fatigue. So when she called me I broke the news:
Her: Hey, Raz! Ready to go to (the event) today?
Me: Oh man. I'm so sorry boo but I feel awful this morning. I feel worse than I did yesterday, my head is pounding and I'm really fatigued. I really don't think I feel up to this.
Her: Oh come on! Just make some tea and you'll feel better.
Me: Haha yeah usually that works but the thought of being in a huge crowd downtown is really upsetting to me right now, I really don't think I can deal with it. I think I might throw up honestly, and my head feels really weird. Is there anyone else who can go with you?
Her: No, just you. I called everyone else and no one can go.
Me: Oh man I'm so sorry! I really wish I could go but I just really don't think it's a good idea, I'm pretty sure I'll be miserable if I do.
Her: Come onnnnnn why don't you just come over and I'll make you tea and you'll feel better and then we can go.
She then pleaded with me for a while and I kept telling her I really didn't feel up to it and she kind of pushed me until I genuinely felt bad (emotionally, but not as bad as I felt physically). She never even said that she hoped I feel better or anything, she was just bummed that I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. I didn't end up going, partially because she can be an exhausting person to hang out with. And it only reaffirmed something I realized last night while talking to my mother.
Do not put up with people in your life that value their schedules over your health and happiness. As Aristotle said, true friends want their friends to be happy regardless of how it affects their own happiness.
(A good example of this is being happy for a friend who is getting happily married and moving to another state, rather than being jealous or upset that you won't be seeing them as often.)
I realized that I look for certain values in others that I try to actualize in my own life. I value: compassion, patience, open-mindedness, and flexibility among all other things. And it is truly amazing to look around and realize that most of the people I know do not give the slightest fuck about most if not all of those values in daily life. (Perhaps they do philosophically, but not as much in daily interactions.) This is probably why I get along with my brothers so well: they both exercise most of those values most of the time (although certainly not all the time--who does!?).
I'm not saying I want everyone I'm around to be perfect. I'm just saying that I wish I knew more people who think like I do, who interact with the world in a more gentle, idealistic way. It would be great if I knew other INFPs like myself! No one reads this, but hey, if you're having any similar experiences, please leave a comment! I'd be glad to know I'm not alone.
All the best,
Razz
If you have plans with someone on, say, a Sunday afternoon, and you wake up feeling so terrible that the thought of getting out of bed makes your head spin and your stomach nauseous, do not feel guilty about canceling those plans. We are so caught up in this Western culture of being busy and having commitments that we forget about the importance of our own health and happiness. I have had a few instances like the following:
Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: Wow, you're really not very reliable. You should have cancelled earlier if you knew you'd be sick.
The above example is completely real, by the way; it happened over Facebook message a year ago, and this is almost a word-for-word recreation of the interaction. In this instance, the person in question (who is no longer a friend because he pulled this kind of thing multiple times) saw my impaired health solely as an unacceptable inconvenience for him, rather than a legitimate reason for me being unable to keep our plans. These sorts of responses are used to control others, to manipulate us into thinking that we have done something "wrong" by being unable to comply with someone else's personal (selfish) wishes. An appropriate, compassionate response would have looked more like this:
Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: No problem, I hope you feel better! Let me know when you're free and healthy :).
If he had responded anything close to this way--if his general life attitude was more like this--we might have stayed friends. But instead he chose to blame me for being sick, to try to convince me I had somehow wronged him. (Patriarchal male privilege, anyone?)
I had a similar experience with this today, too. I had plans to go to an event today (also a Sunday, oddly enough) with my best friend. I had spent both Friday and all of Saturday with her at related events, and this was to be the last one (and least appealing to me, to be honest). Yesterday I was feeling unwell for much of the day, which she was quite aware of. Today I woke up feeling much worse, with a pounding headache and unprecedented physical fatigue. So when she called me I broke the news:
Her: Hey, Raz! Ready to go to (the event) today?
Me: Oh man. I'm so sorry boo but I feel awful this morning. I feel worse than I did yesterday, my head is pounding and I'm really fatigued. I really don't think I feel up to this.
Her: Oh come on! Just make some tea and you'll feel better.
Me: Haha yeah usually that works but the thought of being in a huge crowd downtown is really upsetting to me right now, I really don't think I can deal with it. I think I might throw up honestly, and my head feels really weird. Is there anyone else who can go with you?
Her: No, just you. I called everyone else and no one can go.
Me: Oh man I'm so sorry! I really wish I could go but I just really don't think it's a good idea, I'm pretty sure I'll be miserable if I do.
Her: Come onnnnnn why don't you just come over and I'll make you tea and you'll feel better and then we can go.
She then pleaded with me for a while and I kept telling her I really didn't feel up to it and she kind of pushed me until I genuinely felt bad (emotionally, but not as bad as I felt physically). She never even said that she hoped I feel better or anything, she was just bummed that I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. I didn't end up going, partially because she can be an exhausting person to hang out with. And it only reaffirmed something I realized last night while talking to my mother.
Do not put up with people in your life that value their schedules over your health and happiness. As Aristotle said, true friends want their friends to be happy regardless of how it affects their own happiness.
(A good example of this is being happy for a friend who is getting happily married and moving to another state, rather than being jealous or upset that you won't be seeing them as often.)
I realized that I look for certain values in others that I try to actualize in my own life. I value: compassion, patience, open-mindedness, and flexibility among all other things. And it is truly amazing to look around and realize that most of the people I know do not give the slightest fuck about most if not all of those values in daily life. (Perhaps they do philosophically, but not as much in daily interactions.) This is probably why I get along with my brothers so well: they both exercise most of those values most of the time (although certainly not all the time--who does!?).
I'm not saying I want everyone I'm around to be perfect. I'm just saying that I wish I knew more people who think like I do, who interact with the world in a more gentle, idealistic way. It would be great if I knew other INFPs like myself! No one reads this, but hey, if you're having any similar experiences, please leave a comment! I'd be glad to know I'm not alone.
All the best,
Razz
