Fatal Attraction

We started out as fuck buddies, I guess.

Or old friends. Or old exes. There are a lot of things you could have called us. And if my best friend Sarah hadn't craved an ice cream sundae at 12:30am one night I probably never would have seen him again. The only place open was the local diner, which is where I ran into him for the first time in 8 years.

Good Lord had he changed. Puberty did wonders on him; the boy I knew was gone, replaced by a man with a very impressive jaw line and light facial hair. We had dated in ninth grade for a couple of months (which felt like longer at the time). That was 8 years ago, and I hadn't really seen him at all until he walked up to Sarah and my booth, beer in hand, excited as hell to see me. We both said "let's grab a drink sometime" and, amazingly, we actually did.

We slept together on the first "date." (I say "date" in quotes because he hadn't been aware that it was a date until I drunkenly initiated a kiss in the car after we had each drank a bottle of wine.) It was amazing and we slept together again in the morning. I left, wondering if it was a one-time lay or a potential future booty call. We had gotten along so well that I was even thinking I'd be okay with friendship alone. But we kept seeing each other and kept sleeping together, each time better than the last. I gotta tell you, I was so fucking attracted to him. Like, uncontrollably attracted. I don't remember being with anyone else that I was more physically attracted to than I was to him. It was electric.

It was also somewhat clunky. He was several inches taller than me with much more body hair, which I wasn't used to after dating a girl my size for three years. Sometimes we both seemed to be confused as to what to do with our bodies outside of sexual things. How closely should we cuddle? How often should we kiss? Where is the line between fuck buddy and a little-something-more buddy? Because I'm pretty sure we crossed that line in the first week, but it's hard to tell how far we got.

He made me care about soccer. He made me jealous at the mention of a girl's name. He made me want to speak Portuguese and be wooed and all that stereotypical crap that I never thought would happen to me (especially with a guy). I liked the smell of him. I liked kissing him. I loved fucking him. I finally understood why people in films and books have affairs--because sometimes you're so uncontrollably attracted to someone that rationality goes out the window. I guess that's the place I was in.

But it was brief. Or, I think it will be anyway. It hasn't even been a whole three weeks since our first "date." But I know it will not last. He is moving to New York in September, is allergic to dogs, and has a history of lying to women. Regardless, I will ride this emotional roller coaster into the ground. Because that's what happens when you give me a glimmer of hope and the promise of real emotion--I will wait for the top to stop spinning before I knock it down.

Compassion, Friendship, and Scheduled Plans

So I'm posting this three years after my last post. Luckily I was still logged in on my computer, or else I never would have been able to find the blog! But I was inspired to say something and I didn't want to write it on my tumblr. The subject is about compassion, friendship, and plans.

If you have plans with someone on, say, a Sunday afternoon, and you wake up feeling so terrible that the thought of getting out of bed makes your head spin and your stomach nauseous, do not feel guilty about canceling those plans. We are so caught up in this Western culture of being busy and having commitments that we forget about the importance of our own health and happiness. I have had a few instances like the following:

Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: Wow, you're really not very reliable. You should have cancelled earlier if you knew you'd be sick.

The above example is completely real, by the way; it happened over Facebook message a year ago, and this is almost a word-for-word recreation of the interaction. In this instance, the person in question (who is no longer a friend because he pulled this kind of thing multiple times) saw my impaired health solely as an unacceptable inconvenience for him, rather than a legitimate reason for me being unable to keep our plans. These sorts of responses are used to control others, to manipulate us into thinking that we have done something "wrong" by being unable to comply with someone else's personal (selfish) wishes. An appropriate, compassionate response would have looked more like this:

Me: Hey, I'm so sorry to tell you on such short notice, but I woke up today feeling unbearable awful. I have a skyrocketing temperature, chills, and a pounding headache. Do you mind if we reschedule our lunch date?
Him: No problem, I hope you feel better! Let me know when you're free and healthy :).

If he had responded anything close to this way--if his general life attitude was more like this--we might have stayed friends. But instead he chose to blame me for being sick, to try to convince me I had somehow wronged him. (Patriarchal male privilege, anyone?)

I had a similar experience with this today, too. I had plans to go to an event today (also a Sunday, oddly enough) with my best friend. I had spent both Friday and all of Saturday with her at related events, and this was to be the last one (and least appealing to me, to be honest). Yesterday I was feeling unwell for much of the day, which she was quite aware of. Today I woke up feeling much worse, with a pounding headache and unprecedented physical fatigue. So when she called me I broke the news:

Her: Hey, Raz! Ready to go to (the event) today?
Me: Oh man. I'm so sorry boo but I feel awful this morning. I feel worse than I did yesterday, my head is pounding and I'm really fatigued. I really don't think I feel up to this.
Her: Oh come on! Just make some tea and you'll feel better.
Me: Haha yeah usually that works but the thought of being in a huge crowd downtown is really upsetting to me right now, I really don't think I can deal with it. I think I might throw up honestly, and my head feels really weird. Is there anyone else who can go with you?
Her: No, just you. I called everyone else and no one can go.
Me: Oh man I'm so sorry! I really wish I could go but I just really don't think it's a good idea, I'm pretty sure I'll be miserable if I do.
Her: Come onnnnnn why don't you just come over and I'll make you tea and you'll feel better and then we can go.

She then pleaded with me for a while and I kept telling her I really didn't feel up to it and she kind of pushed me until I genuinely felt bad (emotionally, but not as bad as I felt physically). She never even said that she hoped I feel better or anything, she was just bummed that I wasn't doing what she wanted me to do. I didn't end up going, partially because she can be an exhausting person to hang out with. And it only reaffirmed something I realized last night while talking to my mother.

Do not put up with people in your life that value their schedules over your health and happiness. As Aristotle said, true friends want their friends to be happy regardless of how it affects their own happiness. 
(A good example of this is being happy for a friend who is getting happily married and moving to another state, rather than being jealous or upset that you won't be seeing them as often.)

I realized that I look for certain values in others that I try to actualize in my own life. I value: compassion, patience, open-mindedness, and flexibility among all other things. And it is truly amazing to look around and realize that most of the people I know do not give the slightest fuck about most if not all of those values in daily life. (Perhaps they do philosophically, but not as much in daily interactions.) This is probably why I get along with my brothers so well: they both exercise most of those values most of the time (although certainly not all the time--who does!?).

I'm not saying I want everyone I'm around to be perfect. I'm just saying that I wish I knew more people who think like I do, who interact with the world in a more gentle, idealistic way. It would be great if I knew other INFPs like myself! No one reads this, but hey, if you're having any similar experiences, please leave a comment! I'd be glad to know I'm not alone.

All the best,
Razz

9 Reasons to Move to San Francisco

1) Pot is (basically) legal.

2) It's where gay culturally began....it's the home of the sexual revolution. That's pretty cool.

3) AVOCADOS

4) It never gets below 40 degrees. Goddammit, Maryland.

5) I have some family out there.

6) Seriously, it's so easy to get a medical marijuana card there.

7) San Francisco gay clubs. SO MUCH GAY

8) Cuz then I could be that gay chick who went to a women's liberal arts college and then moved to San Francisco. *Facepalm*

9) My doctor could actually PRESCRIBE me weed!!

Yep, I feel convinced. I'm going there after college. Win.

Escapism, Addiction, and Relationships

I think we all have experiences with escapism or addiction. My personal stories are too many to count, but I can share the basic idea. I have had an addictive personality my entire life, and I have inadvertently used it to escape reality. When I was younger the addictions were different. I began to develop an eating disorder when I was 11 which lasted until I conquered it in 9th grade (4 years later). I didn't even know it had a name in the beginning, but it took over my mind for a long time. I'm not telling you this to get your sympathy, it's just part of my story. I became addicted to a whole slew of self-destructive things over that period of time, and was given a therapist and a psychiatrist to try to set me "right." But all they did was get my addicted to stimulants (an addiction I have yet to completely be rid of, and I'm still prescribed them 4 years later), and tell my mom about my other problems. She ignored this news, which I resented at the time, but now I see that I grew from it. If she had interfered it probably would only have gotten worse. I had to fix my problems myself.

From this experience I learned something very, very important: only you can change yourself. No outside force, no extrinsic motivation, no parent or doctor or even friend is comparable to your own willpower. With personal strength, you can overcome almost all that holds you down--especially that which lives in your own mind.

Now, those former issues (which, let's face it, most of the people I know have also gone through in one form or another), can not control me. They are still within me, somewhere, I know (this is why I've never let myself smoke a cigarette!). But I have discovered the root of these problems, and that knowledge has given me power: escapism. Escapism refers to a consistent tendency to avoid or escape reality. My escapist ways have led me down the familiar teenage paths of questionable curiosity, but there is one aspect in my life it has impacted in a very peculiar manner.

Basically, my susceptibility to addiction kind of contradicts my aversion commitment and attachment. And thank god it does!

It is rather difficult for me to become addicted to a person. As I have matured, I have been consistently uninterested in establishing romantic "relationships," as I can not bear to feel tied down or obligated to one person simply because I love them. I have loved the same boy for 3 years, and we only dated for the first one. Both of us oppose commitment, which is mainly the reason we split up. The last 2 years have been the best, though, perhaps because we are liberated, while still having true love for each other. And freedom combined with love is a beautiful thing.

Why deny someone the ability to explore their sexual desires? It is absurd to believe that someone, because they have affection for you, can only be interested in you. The relationship title should be a sacred thing between two people who honestly do not want to express affection toward anyone else. Otherwise, people should be allowed to be more or less sexually liberated, because if two free people do love each other deeply, it is stronger than a petty one night stand. But limiting somebody creates uncomfortable restrictions that their subconscious may resent. This causes jealousy and suspicion--the two things that most often drive new couples apart.

So I say, stop jumping into committed, monogamous relationships with every person you are attracted to and find tolerably interesting. I say, love the people who deserve your love, and experience what comes your way. If something seems like it would be a positive decision for yourself, for your growth and understanding of the world, and it doesn't hurt anyone, do it. Don't put yourself in situations that will inevitably lead to misery (due to jealousy, hatred, lies, etc).

I tell this all not from a political or religious standpoint, but from an experienced standpoint. I feel that the healthiest way to live your life is to live it with as much love and acceptance as possible. It's so important to take opportunities to experience and explore human emotion and pleasure. And to endure pain sometimes, without trying to escape it. Living and breathing your own decisions and accepting yourself for who you are is one of the most incredible feelings in the world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let negativity destroy you. Life will throw you opportunities to become addicted. It is easy to become addicted to escapes, to substances, to habits, to people. Addiction lets you have control; over yourself, over your experiences, over life. It lets you escape the imbalance and misfortune of existence through something measured, consistent, and reliable. But that doesn't mean it is worth the lack of freedom. After a while, any addiction begins to control you. It becomes an illusion, creating a disparity between appearance and reality. It becomes a crutch, and it gains power over time. Your mental state relies on it for balance. And after some time, addiction can turn heaven into hell.

So this is my advice, to those who want it. Make your decisions based on what you truly want for yourself and for those you love. Avoid making anyone or anything a necessity for the completeness of your life. Because you never know how deep that rabbit hole can go.

This post started out directed toward everyone, but I guess it sort of turned into me giving advice to myself. I'm sorry if it sounds preachy. It's not intended to be. This is from my heart to the anonymous world of the internet. But I like to think this post could help someone. Just one person. And I really hope it does.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -- Gandhi

The First Post

Hello, my name is Raz, and I break stereotypes as a hobby. As a result, a lot of crazy shit happens to me, making my life relatively unconventional.

I have several other hobbies, including writing. So I decided to start a blog because I have something to say to the world. But some things are better said through written electronic media, rather than the mouth of a raving bisexual.

By “raving,” I don’t mean “obnoxiously ranting,” I mean the act of going to underground dance parties often referred to as raves. It’s a culture I consider myself part of, and it is often a beautiful escape from reality.

I am an escapist of sorts. Escaping reality is another one of my hobbies. I do it in different ways, usually relatively healthy ways, but not always. Substances can help, but that’s as descriptive as I’ll get here.

The purpose of a blog, I suppose, is posting something you want people to see. Giving people a reason to read what you have to say, whether through comedy or narrative or whatever. I had a blog once, a xanga actually, and I was very loyal to it. I had around 7 or 8 friends who read it, and I read theirs. This was around 8^th grade or so. I still have it actually, but all the posts are private.

So I guess my reason for making a separate public blog is that I have something to tell the world, and I’m not sure how else to do it. I don’t even really know what I want to say, but I can promise it won’t be the typical bullshit of politically or religiously enraged bloggers (though it may touch on the topics as I feel very passionately about them), or “relationship problem” ranters. This blog is intended to provide an outlet for me to explore topics on a deeper level, a more honest and open level, and connect with other people who have real input.

I know all of this may sound juvenile, as disillusioned as every other blogger believing that anyone wants to know their opinions. But I hope my posts will connect to someone out there and that maybe together we can make sense of this crazy world.