Escapism, Addiction, and Relationships

I think we all have experiences with escapism or addiction. My personal stories are too many to count, but I can share the basic idea. I have had an addictive personality my entire life, and I have inadvertently used it to escape reality. When I was younger the addictions were different. I began to develop an eating disorder when I was 11 which lasted until I conquered it in 9th grade (4 years later). I didn't even know it had a name in the beginning, but it took over my mind for a long time. I'm not telling you this to get your sympathy, it's just part of my story. I became addicted to a whole slew of self-destructive things over that period of time, and was given a therapist and a psychiatrist to try to set me "right." But all they did was get my addicted to stimulants (an addiction I have yet to completely be rid of, and I'm still prescribed them 4 years later), and tell my mom about my other problems. She ignored this news, which I resented at the time, but now I see that I grew from it. If she had interfered it probably would only have gotten worse. I had to fix my problems myself.

From this experience I learned something very, very important: only you can change yourself. No outside force, no extrinsic motivation, no parent or doctor or even friend is comparable to your own willpower. With personal strength, you can overcome almost all that holds you down--especially that which lives in your own mind.

Now, those former issues (which, let's face it, most of the people I know have also gone through in one form or another), can not control me. They are still within me, somewhere, I know (this is why I've never let myself smoke a cigarette!). But I have discovered the root of these problems, and that knowledge has given me power: escapism. Escapism refers to a consistent tendency to avoid or escape reality. My escapist ways have led me down the familiar teenage paths of questionable curiosity, but there is one aspect in my life it has impacted in a very peculiar manner.

Basically, my susceptibility to addiction kind of contradicts my aversion commitment and attachment. And thank god it does!

It is rather difficult for me to become addicted to a person. As I have matured, I have been consistently uninterested in establishing romantic "relationships," as I can not bear to feel tied down or obligated to one person simply because I love them. I have loved the same boy for 3 years, and we only dated for the first one. Both of us oppose commitment, which is mainly the reason we split up. The last 2 years have been the best, though, perhaps because we are liberated, while still having true love for each other. And freedom combined with love is a beautiful thing.

Why deny someone the ability to explore their sexual desires? It is absurd to believe that someone, because they have affection for you, can only be interested in you. The relationship title should be a sacred thing between two people who honestly do not want to express affection toward anyone else. Otherwise, people should be allowed to be more or less sexually liberated, because if two free people do love each other deeply, it is stronger than a petty one night stand. But limiting somebody creates uncomfortable restrictions that their subconscious may resent. This causes jealousy and suspicion--the two things that most often drive new couples apart.

So I say, stop jumping into committed, monogamous relationships with every person you are attracted to and find tolerably interesting. I say, love the people who deserve your love, and experience what comes your way. If something seems like it would be a positive decision for yourself, for your growth and understanding of the world, and it doesn't hurt anyone, do it. Don't put yourself in situations that will inevitably lead to misery (due to jealousy, hatred, lies, etc).

I tell this all not from a political or religious standpoint, but from an experienced standpoint. I feel that the healthiest way to live your life is to live it with as much love and acceptance as possible. It's so important to take opportunities to experience and explore human emotion and pleasure. And to endure pain sometimes, without trying to escape it. Living and breathing your own decisions and accepting yourself for who you are is one of the most incredible feelings in the world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let negativity destroy you. Life will throw you opportunities to become addicted. It is easy to become addicted to escapes, to substances, to habits, to people. Addiction lets you have control; over yourself, over your experiences, over life. It lets you escape the imbalance and misfortune of existence through something measured, consistent, and reliable. But that doesn't mean it is worth the lack of freedom. After a while, any addiction begins to control you. It becomes an illusion, creating a disparity between appearance and reality. It becomes a crutch, and it gains power over time. Your mental state relies on it for balance. And after some time, addiction can turn heaven into hell.

So this is my advice, to those who want it. Make your decisions based on what you truly want for yourself and for those you love. Avoid making anyone or anything a necessity for the completeness of your life. Because you never know how deep that rabbit hole can go.

This post started out directed toward everyone, but I guess it sort of turned into me giving advice to myself. I'm sorry if it sounds preachy. It's not intended to be. This is from my heart to the anonymous world of the internet. But I like to think this post could help someone. Just one person. And I really hope it does.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." -- Gandhi

The First Post

Hello, my name is Raz, and I break stereotypes as a hobby. As a result, a lot of crazy shit happens to me, making my life relatively unconventional.

I have several other hobbies, including writing. So I decided to start a blog because I have something to say to the world. But some things are better said through written electronic media, rather than the mouth of a raving bisexual.

By “raving,” I don’t mean “obnoxiously ranting,” I mean the act of going to underground dance parties often referred to as raves. It’s a culture I consider myself part of, and it is often a beautiful escape from reality.

I am an escapist of sorts. Escaping reality is another one of my hobbies. I do it in different ways, usually relatively healthy ways, but not always. Substances can help, but that’s as descriptive as I’ll get here.

The purpose of a blog, I suppose, is posting something you want people to see. Giving people a reason to read what you have to say, whether through comedy or narrative or whatever. I had a blog once, a xanga actually, and I was very loyal to it. I had around 7 or 8 friends who read it, and I read theirs. This was around 8^th grade or so. I still have it actually, but all the posts are private.

So I guess my reason for making a separate public blog is that I have something to tell the world, and I’m not sure how else to do it. I don’t even really know what I want to say, but I can promise it won’t be the typical bullshit of politically or religiously enraged bloggers (though it may touch on the topics as I feel very passionately about them), or “relationship problem” ranters. This blog is intended to provide an outlet for me to explore topics on a deeper level, a more honest and open level, and connect with other people who have real input.

I know all of this may sound juvenile, as disillusioned as every other blogger believing that anyone wants to know their opinions. But I hope my posts will connect to someone out there and that maybe together we can make sense of this crazy world.